


Fools

by MaeTaurus



Series: Blue Neighborhood [3]
Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: Alcohol, Angst, M/M, Past Relationship(s), Post-Break Up
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-11-21
Updated: 2015-11-21
Packaged: 2019-09-12 05:55:36
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,789
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16867375
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MaeTaurus/pseuds/MaeTaurus
Summary: Phil can’t stop listening to Fools by Troye Sivan and thinking about where it all went wrong with Dan.





	Fools

**Author's Note:**

> Based on Troye Sivan's song, Fools, from his album, Blue Neighborhood.
> 
> Originally posted to Tumblr on November 21, 2015.

> _Only fools do what I do, only fools fall_
> 
> _Only fools fall for you (only fools)_
> 
> _Only fools do what I do (only fools)_
> 
> _Only fools fall for you (only fools)_
> 
> _Only fools do what I do, only fools fall_

Phil sighed as the song ended. He hadn’t been able to stop listening to it for the past few weeks and it was currently on repeat, playing through his headphones as he tidied the kitchen. Usually Phil would just let the song play loudly and wouldn’t bother with headphones, but he didn’t want Dan to hear it. He knew Dan would catch on to what he was thinking about when he listened to it.

They hadn’t broken up, not exactly. Dan just refused to acknowledge him. Phil supposed that was probably worse. Every time he heard Dan say that they weren’t attached at the hip or that they met through a mutual friend, Phil felt his heart break a little bit more.

> _I am tired of this place, I hope people change_
> 
> _I need time to replace what I gave away_
> 
> _And my hopes, they are high, I must keep them small_
> 
> _Though I try to resist I still want it all_

As the song started up again, Phil found himself softly singing along to the words, not really caring if Dan heard him or not.

Phil loved this flat more than anything but sometimes he just wished he could get out of it. He’d tried going for a walk but he usually got interrupted by a fan. Phil loved his fans, he really did, but now they were just another reminder of how distant Dan had been. Not to mention the fact that they were part of the reason the two were having problems.

Phil liked to think that if he could just prove to Dan that their fans wouldn’t care that they were together or that they’re both bisexual, then things would get better. But he knew better, he knew this all started when Dan’s brother confronted him about the rumors he’d read online about the two of them. Dan had decided to be honest and had come out to his brother, then his parents, and it had gone worse than terrible. Of course Dan had denied this when Phil asked him about it but he knew this had to be the reason, seeing as the very next day when Dan did a liveshow, he denied that they’d first met because of YouTube. Phil wished that Dan’s family had been more understanding and accepting.

He hoped things would get better with time, whether this meant Dan becoming more at peace with the situation or if it meant moving on. Phil closed his eyes, not wanting to think about the possibility of having to move on from Dan. His heart was already broken but he thought it might just shatter if that happened. However, Phil remained hopeful, wanting to believe that Dan would one day feel more comfortable in his own skin and would stop hiding.

> _I see swimming pools and living rooms and airplanes_
> 
> _I see a little house on the hill and children’s names_
> 
> _I see quiet nights poured over ice and Tanqueray_
> 
> _But everything is shattering and it’s my mistake_

Phil opened his eyes and resumed cleaning, still whispering the words to himself. He could still remember all of those late night conversations the two of them had had about their future. They’d talked about where they wanted to live; just outside of London in a nice house, not too big but enough to give their kids plenty of room to run around outside. Phil couldn’t help but smile at all of the ridiculous names they’d thought of for their future kids; Susan, Jimmy, Bob, Ronald, the list goes on.

He wiped away a stray tear as he thought about the night they’d come up with that list. They’d both had far too much to drink since they were bored and had nothing to do the next day. They had started out by playing Would You Rather but coming up with good questions soon got too difficult so they ended up just saying things they wanted to do. Of course, the conversation quickly turned to their future when Dan said he wanted to have kids one day.

Phil shook his head to bring himself back to the present. He felt like he could see all of his happy memories of him and Dan evaporating, like they no longer existed. Phil couldn’t help but blame himself, though realistically he knew it wasn’t his fault. Phil regretted not trying to convince Dan that he should’ve come out to his family long ago. Maybe, just maybe, they would’ve been more accepting if they’d found out in a nicer way. Of course Phil knew that Dan hadn’t been ready to come out before, and Phil would’ve never tried to push him to do so. He just couldn’t help but look for a reason to blame himself because then at least he would have something to go on, a hint as to how he could fix this. If it were something he had done then he could apologize to Dan and everything would go back to normal.

> _Only fools fall for you, only fools_
> 
> _Only fools do what I do, only fools fall_
> 
> _Only fools fall for you, only fools_
> 
> _Only fools do what I do, only fools fall_

As he finished cleaning Phil couldn’t help but believe the words of the song. He’d been such a fool to fall for Dan. When they first started talking, Dan had barely even been legal. Dan was  young and hadn’t had time to learn all of the life lessons Phil had. He was still self-conscious and lacked confidence in himself. Dan wasn’t even sure of his sexuality when they first met.

Dan had grown up quite a bit since then but even now he still wasn’t fully confident in who he was. He would always deny being gay, which was true since he was bisexual, but even that he denied. Phil could understand Dan not wanting to publicly come out just yet but what Phil didn’t understand is why Dan refused to come out to anyone. Only a handful of their friends knew, and Phil was pretty sure they only knew because they guessed and Dan didn’t deny it.

Phil felt so stupid for falling for Dan. He knew the dangers of getting into a relationship with someone who was unsure of their sexuality, he’d gone through that a few times already. He’d let his guard down with Dan and let himself fall in love with a guy who still thought he might be straight. If only Phil had just stayed away from Dan, or at least kept some distance between them when they first met then they wouldn’t be in this mess and he wouldn’t be fighting off tears as he put away the now clean dishes.

> _Oh, our lives don’t collide, I’m aware of this_
> 
> _The differences and impulses and your obsession with_
> 
> _The little things, you like stick, and I like aerosol_
> 
> _I don’t give a fuck, I’m not giving up, I still want it all_

If he was honest, Phil wasn’t even sure why he and Dan were ever together in the first place. What did they have in common, really? Sure they both loved YouTube and video games and they even had similar tastes in music and films, but beyond that? Phil had always been a very upbeat and happy guy, rarely letting anything bring him down. But Dan was the exact opposite. He was always such a downer and was always thinking about things like the inevitability of death. Phil knew this from the start, even in their first few conversations Dan had given away his slightly pessimistic attitude. He’d just thought that maybe they could overlook that and they could still be friends. Phil realises now that he was an idiot.

The two just had too many differences, it was destined to end badly. Even just the little things stood out to Phil now, like how Dan surrounded himself in darkness with black clothes and furniture, while Phil surrounded himself with bright colors. Dan hated clutter, though his room often contradicted this, and Phil disliked everything being in order and thought that a little mess gave a room character. Phil always used shower gels, while Dan preferred solid soaps.

Phil sighed out loud. He was just irritated with their current situation and was trying to find ways to justify it, anything to tell himself that it was okay and no big deal. Except it was a big deal, a very big deal. Dan meant everything to Phil and he couldn’t stand the idea of ever losing him. Every ounce of Phil still wanted to be with Dan. He still wanted to live with him and date him and one day marry him. Phil wanted to buy a real house with him and fill it with kids and pets; wanted to be with him for forever. He wasn’t going to just give up on them, not that easily. Dan was just going through a hard time and he might not be dealing with it in the best way, but that didn’t mean Phil could just give up on him and abandon him. He would give Dan space while he figured all of this out, give him some time.

> _Only fools fall for you, only fools_
> 
> _Only fools do what I do, only fools fall_
> 
> _Only fools fall for you, only fools_
> 
> _Only fools do what I do, only fools fall_

“Phil?” Dan asked, getting his attention. He’d heard Phil sniffling and at first thought Phil was just getting sick but when he walked into the kitchen to grab himself a drink, he saw Phil wipe away a few tears. “What’s…what’s wrong?”

Phil turned around and took out one earbud when he saw Dan. “I- nothing, it’s nothing. Just um…I got some soap in my eye,” he lied. He wanted to talk to Dan about this but he’d tried countless times before and each time Dan seemed to push him further and further away.

Dan chewed his lip nervously. He knew Phil was lying but he didn’t know what to say. “Hey, uh Phil?”

“Yeah?” Phil put away the last bowl then looked back at Dan, noticing now nervous and scared he looked.

“Do you…do you think we could talk?”

> _Only fools fall for you, only fools fall_
> 
> _Only fools do what I do, only fools fall_
> 
> _Only fools fall for you, only fools fall_
> 
> _Only fools do what I do, only fools fall_


End file.
